The First Draft I Deleted at 2 A.M.
I'm Marcus. I've planned over 200 LGBTQ+ weddings in Palm Springs, but when it came time to write my own vows to Alex in 2023, I froze. I sat at our kitchen table at 2 a.m., laptop open, and wrote the most beautiful, formal, completely wrong vows you can imagine. I used words like "cherish" and "honor" and "soulmate." I sounded like a greeting card. Alex read them the next morning and said, "Marcus, this is lovely, but it doesn't sound like you. You don't say 'cherish.' You say 'I checked the air conditioning for you.'" He was right. So I deleted the whole thing and started over. The second draft was messier, more specific, and a little funny. It was us. That's when I learned the secret: vows are not a speech. They're a private letter you happen to read in public. If it wouldn't make sense in a note you left on the kitchen counter, it probably doesn't belong in your vows. This guide is for two grooms (or two brides, or anyone else) who want to write vows that sound like themselves, not like a template. I've included three templates I wish I'd had, plus the exact process that finally got my words onto the page.
Why You Should Trust Me
My name is Marcus Chen. I've planned over 200 LGBTQ+ weddings in Palm Springs since 2012, and I married my husband Alex in 2023. I've watched hundreds of couples struggle with their vows, and I've learned what works and what doesn't. The best vows are always the same: specific, vulnerable, and honest. The worst vows are also the same: generic, formal, and trying to sound like a poet. I'm not a writer. I'm a wedding planner who checks air conditioning for a living. But that's exactly why I can help you — because I know that the most powerful vows are often the plainest. My own vows to Alex included a promise to never complain about his cooking and to always kill the spiders. They made people laugh and cry. That's what you want. Not perfection. Presence.
I also know what it's like to stand in front of your family and say these words out loud. It's terrifying. But it's also the moment you'll remember for the rest of your life. This guide will help you get there.
The Letter Metaphor: Vows Are Not a Speech
Here's the concept I came up with at 2 a.m. after deleting my first draft, and it's the one thing that finally made the words flow: your vows are not a speech. They're a private letter you happen to read in public. Think about the notes you leave your partner. The ones on the kitchen counter, or in their jacket pocket, or texted at random moments. Those notes are specific. They mention the small things — the way they take their coffee, the sound of their laugh, the thing they said last Tuesday that made you smile. Your vows should sound like those notes, just a little longer and a little more intentional. If you wouldn't write it in a note, don't put it in your vows. This reframe changed everything for me. It took the pressure off. I wasn't writing a speech for an audience. I was writing a letter to Alex, and I was going to read it out loud with the people we love around us. That's it. That's the whole thing.
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Three Vow Templates for Two Grooms (Make Them Yours)
Below are three non-religious vow templates, written specifically for two grooms. They're starting points, not final drafts. Change every word until it sounds like you. The best vows always do.
Template A: The Everyday, Playful Promise
This one is for couples who show love through small acts — making coffee, remembering the little things, and not taking themselves too seriously.
"Alex, before I met you, I thought love was supposed to be big and dramatic. Fireworks, grand gestures, the whole thing. But then I fell in love with you, and I realized it's not the fireworks. It's the way you check the air conditioning before every event, because you know I'll worry if you don't. It's the way you leave the last piece of toast for me, even when I say I'm not hungry. So here are my promises to you: I will never complain about your cooking, even when it's terrible. I will always kill the spiders, even though they scare me too. And I will spend the rest of my life trying to be as good to you as you are to me. I love you. I choose you. And I'd rather do nothing with you than everything with anyone else."
Template B: The Quiet, Emotional Promise
This one is for couples who want something a little more tender, a little more vulnerable, without being saccharine.
"Alex, I've spent most of my life believing I had to be the strong one. The one who checks everything, fixes everything, and never lets anyone see the cracks. But then you came along, and you saw the cracks, and you didn't run. You just sat down next to me and said, 'I'm not going anywhere.' That changed me. So here is my promise to you: I will let you see the cracks. I will let you help me carry the heavy things. And I will never stop being grateful that I get to call you my husband. I love you, Alex. For all the days of our lives."
Template C: The Radical, Unapologetic Promise
This one is for couples who want their vows to make a statement — not just about their love, but about their right to love.
"Alex, we've had to fight for so much of this. We've had to explain ourselves, defend ourselves, and ask for permission to love in a world that still doesn't always understand. But standing here with you, I don't feel like I'm fighting. I feel like I've already won. So here is my promise, unapologetic and full of joy: I will love you loudly, in public and in private, for as long as we both shall live. I will never ask you to shrink so that someone else can feel comfortable. I will never hide the truth of who we are. And I will spend the rest of my life making sure you know that being loved by you is the greatest thing that ever happened to me. We're here. We're married. And we're just getting started."
Three different energies. Three different kinds of love. Pick the one that feels closest to yours, then start editing. And if you want more ceremony options, our ceremony script guide has a full template that pairs with these vows.
How to Make Your Vows Sound Like You
The difference between a good vow and a generic one is specificity. Here's how to make yours feel like yours:
- Use an inside joke. The promise to "never complain about your cooking" in my draft is an inside joke — Alex knows exactly what I mean, and our friends will laugh. That's the good stuff. If you have a running joke, put it in. It doesn't have to make sense to anyone else.
- Promise something small, not grand. "I promise to always kill the spiders" is more intimate than "I promise to always be by your side." Small promises feel real. Grand promises feel like a Hallmark card. Go small.
- Include a specific memory. "The way you check the air conditioning" is a real thing Alex does. If you have a memory like that, use it. Specificity is what makes people cry.
- Don't force poetry. If you don't naturally use metaphors, don't. The most beautiful vows are often the plainest. "I love you, I choose you, and I'd rather do nothing with you than everything with anyone else" is a simple sentence. It's also exactly how I feel.
3 Mistakes to Avoid When Writing Your Vows
- 🚩 Writing them the night before. Don't. Your brain will be fried, your emotions will be all over the place, and you'll end up with something you don't recognize. Start at least a month out. Give yourself time to revise.
- 🚩 Trying to match each other's length. If Alex's vows are two minutes and mine are ninety seconds, that's fine. Don't pad yours to make them even. Say what you need to say, then stop.
- 🚩 Forgetting to practice out loud. Vows are meant to be spoken, not read. Practice in the shower, in the car, in front of the dog. You'll catch the awkward phrases and the places where you trip. Better to stumble in rehearsal than on the day.
Who Should NOT Use These Templates
If you and your partner are both poets who write beautifully and just want to sit down together and pour your hearts out — skip the templates. You don't need them. Also, if you're having a religious ceremony in a faith tradition, these non-religious templates may not be appropriate; you'll want to work with your faith leader to craft vows that fit the liturgy. But if you're two grooms standing in front of a desert arch, trying to figure out how to say "I love you" without sounding like a greeting card, these are for you.
The Only Vow Rule That Matters
After 200 weddings and one of my own, the only rule that holds up is: if your vows sound like you, you did it right. Not like a template. Not like a poet. Not like the version of yourself you think you're supposed to be. Like you, on an ordinary Tuesday, saying the truest thing you know. That's the whole thing. That's the vow. So go write it. And if you get stuck, delete the first draft and start over at 2 a.m. It worked for me. Eventually.
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FAQ: Vows for Two Grooms
Do our vows have to be non-religious?
No. These templates are non-religious, but you can absolutely include spiritual language if that fits you. The key is that the vows reflect your relationship and your beliefs, not someone else's expectations. Mix, match, and make them yours.
How long should wedding vows be?
Most good vows are between one and two minutes when spoken aloud. That's roughly 150-300 words. Long enough to feel substantial, short enough that you don't lose your guests' attention. If yours is shorter, that's fine. If it's longer, just make sure every word earns its place.
Can I write my vows together with my partner?
You can, but I recommend writing separately first. That way, when you share them, each person's voice comes through clearly. Some couples also choose to write a shared section — a few lines you both say together. That can be beautiful. Just don't lose your individual voices.
What if I cry while reading my vows?
Then you're doing it right. Crying during vows is not a failure — it's evidence that you mean it. Bring tissues, have a backup plan (your officiant can prompt you), and don't worry about being polished. Your guests would rather see you cry than see you perform.
Should I memorize my vows or read them?
Reading is completely fine, and most couples do it. It takes the pressure off and ensures you don't blank. Print them on a nice card, or put them in a small vow book. If you want to memorize them, practice a lot — but keep a backup copy anyway. The last thing you want is to forget your own words on your wedding day.
Where to Go From Here
Now that you have your vows drafted, your next step is to fit them into your ceremony script or find an officiant who will deliver them with the right pronouns. I've also written a guide to the full wedding planning checklist if you need to zoom out and see the whole picture.
And if you want to see my actual vow drafts — including the one where I wrote "I promise to love you even when you leave your wet towel on the bed" and then deleted it because my mom might hear — I've saved them in our research archive. Read the raw drafts here.