Okay So Here's Where I Messed Up
I'm June. I'm planning my own wedding to Maya in Silver Lake, and our budget is $12,000. That's basically a micro-wedding in LA terms, which means every dollar has to do two jobs. I spent the first month of planning buying Etsy templates that all said "bride and groom." I stared at one form for ten minutes, then closed my laptop and cried a little. Not because I'm sad — because I'm tired of translating everything. So I built my own checklist. This is the one I actually use, updated weekly, with all the parts nobody tells you when you're not straight. It's not perfect. I still don't know how to tell my grandma. But it's real, and it works.
Why You Should Trust Me
I'm not a professional wedding planner. I'm a person who is in it right now. My wedding is in spring 2027, and I've spent the last six months doing the awkward vendor calls, the spreadsheet math, and the midnight panic searches about whether rain on a gay wedding means bad luck (it doesn't, but my brain doesn't care). I've already lost a photographer because he asked "which one wears the dress." I've already found a venue I love. I've already cried in a Ralphs parking lot after a particularly bad vendor email. This checklist comes from those moments. I'm not giving you a polished, corporate list. I'm giving you the thing I wish someone had handed me.
My wrist eczema flares up every time I stress about the budget. It's flaring up right now. That's how you know this is real.
The Dependency Lesson: A Project Management Trick for Weddings
I work at a nonprofit doing admin, so I spend a lot of time with project plans. One thing I learned there: some tasks are dependent on others. You can't send invitations until you have a venue. You can't book a caterer until you know the date. You can't choose decor until you know the venue's vibe. Most wedding checklists are just a flat list of "do this, then this." But real planning is a web of dependencies. So I built my checklist the way I'd build a project plan — with layers. The first layer is decisions. The second layer is tasks that depend on those decisions. The third layer is all the small stuff that can happen anytime. That's how I stopped feeling overwhelmed. If you're also the kind of person who freezes when the list gets too long, try this method. It's the only reason I haven't abandoned the whole thing and eloped to Vegas (tempting, but Maya wants the garden).
The Actual Checklist (Phase by Phase)
Phase 1: The Big Decisions (Months 12-9)
- Talk about what you both actually want. Not what Pinterest wants. Not what your parents want. Do you want a 20-person elopement or a 100-person party? Do you want a ceremony, a reception, both? Write it down.
- Set the budget. Real numbers. Ours is $12,000 total. Yours might be more or less. Be honest, then add 15% for the stuff you forgot.
- Decide who you're telling, and when. This is the part straight checklists don't include. Coming out to vendors is one thing; coming out to family is another. You don't have to do it all at once.
- Choose a date and a city. For us it's LA, but Palm Springs was a close second. If you're considering Palm Springs, our venue guide there is already up.
- Start a shared document. Google Sheets, Notion, whatever. Maya and I use a spreadsheet with tabs for budget, guest list, vendor contacts, and a timeline. It's not romantic, but it works.
Phase 2: The Foundation (Months 9-6)
- Book the venue. This unlocks everything else. If you're doing a backyard wedding, this is when you check local permits and noise ordinances.
- Hire the officiant. This one matters more for us. Ask the three questions from Alex's guide on finding inclusive vendors. If they can't answer them, move on.
- Send save-the-dates (if you're doing them). Not required for a small wedding, but helpful if people are traveling.
- Research marriage license requirements. In California, it's straightforward, but every county is different. Check if you need appointments.
Phase 3: The People (Months 6-3)
- Choose your wedding party — or don't. We're not having bridesmaids or groomsmen. We're having our people, and they'll wear whatever they want.
- Book photographer, caterer, DJ, florist. Send them the inclusion email script. Every single one.
- Start the guest list. This will be the hardest part, especially if there's family tension. You don't have to invite everyone. Your wedding is not a family reunion.
- Order invitations or set up a wedding website. We're using a free site and it's fine.
Phase 4: The Details (Months 3-1)
- Finalize menu and cake. Ask about gender-neutral cake toppers — our cake topper guide has some good ones.
- Write your vows. Start early, not the night before. Trust me.
- Confirm all vendor timelines. Send a day-of schedule to everyone.
- Pack an emergency kit. Safety pins, stain remover, blister pads, and a phone charger. You'll thank me.
Phase 5: The Week Of
- Delegate. Hand the checklist to someone you trust who isn't getting married. Maya's sister is our day-of coordinator, and she's terrifyingly organized.
- Breathe. I'm still learning this one. My wrist eczema says I'm not great at it.
Need a budget alternative? Check DHgate for lower-cost decor. Shipping may take longer, but prices are often lower.
3 Mistakes I Already Made (So You Don't Have To)
- 🚩 Buying decor before booking the venue. I have three boxes of stuff in our storage unit that now doesn't match the venue's vibe. Don't be me.
- 🚩 Not asking vendors the inclusion questions early enough. I wasted two weeks emailing a photographer who turned out to be weird about pronouns. Ask on day one.
- 🚩 Forgetting to budget for the “invisible” costs. Postage, marriage license fees, vendor meals, tips, alterations. They add up fast. Add 15% on top, remember?
Who This Checklist Is NOT For
If you're hiring a full-service wedding planner with an unlimited budget, this list will feel too basic. You don't need my spreadsheet. You need to write a check and let someone else handle it. Also, if your families are both fully supportive and you're having a traditional ceremony with all the standard roles, you might not need the extra sections about coming out and family boundaries. But for the rest of us — the ones Googling "how to tell my mom I'm marrying a woman" at 2 a.m. — this is for you.
The Only Rule That Matters
After six months of planning, the only rule I've found that actually holds up is this: If a decision makes you feel smaller, it's the wrong decision. If a vendor makes you feel like you have to explain yourself, they're not your vendor. If a family member makes you feel like you should tone it down, they don't get a vote. Your wedding is yours. The checklist is just a tool to help you remember that.
If the link shows no results, use this backup search.
FAQ: LGBTQ+ Wedding Planning Checklist
How is an LGBTQ+ wedding checklist different from a regular one?
A regular checklist assumes a bride and groom, and often includes traditions like father-daughter dances or bouquet tosses that may not fit. An LGBTQ+ checklist includes extra decisions like coming out to vendors, handling unsupportive family, and choosing inclusive language for invitations and programs.
When should I start planning a gay wedding?
Most couples start 12 months ahead if they want a traditional venue. But if you're doing a small wedding or elopement, 3-6 months can be enough. The earlier you start, the less stressful it is — but don't start so early that you burn out.
Do I need a wedding planner?
Not necessarily. If you're organized and have a small guest list, you can do it yourself with a good checklist. If you have a larger budget or feel overwhelmed, a planner who specializes in LGBTQ+ weddings can be worth it. Always interview them with the same inclusion questions.
How do I handle family members who don't support my wedding?
This is one of the hardest parts. There's no one-size-fits-all answer. My approach is to set clear boundaries and not chase people who won't meet me halfway. You can also read our family guide for more in-depth advice.
What's the most common mistake LGBTQ+ couples make when planning?
Trying to make everyone else comfortable at the expense of their own happiness. Your wedding is not a performance for your relatives. It's a promise between you and your partner. Keep that at the center.