The Ten Questions I Wish Someone Had Given Me

When Robin and I started looking for an officiant, I made a list of fourteen names. I called all fourteen, and by the end, I had three I trusted and eleven I never wanted to speak to again. The difference wasn't their credentials or their prices. It was how they answered a handful of simple questions. The officiants who passed didn't just say "love is love" — they asked for my pronouns, they told me about the same-sex weddings they'd done, and they had a clear answer for what they'd do if a guest made a homophobic comment. The ones who failed dodged, hesitated, or said "I'll try." So I've distilled everything I learned into ten questions. These are the questions I now send to every vendor before I even book a call. They're designed to cut through the pleasantries and reveal how someone really feels about marrying two women, two men, or two non-binary people. They're not aggressive. They're just honest. And if an officiant can't answer them comfortably, you'll know in five minutes. That's the point. Your wedding deserves an officiant who sees you, not one who's still figuring out how. These questions will help you find them.

Why You Should Trust Me

I'm Alex Rivera. My pronouns are they/them. I eloped in the desert in spring 2026 with my partner Robin, and before that, I spent two weeks interviewing fourteen officiants in Los Angeles and Palm Springs. I tracked their responses, their hesitations, and the exact words they used. Three of them became my shortlist. One of them married us. I've since shared these questions with dozens of couples, and they've told me the same thing: the questions work. They reveal who's truly inclusive and who's just saying the right things. I'm not a wedding planner. I'm not a professional interviewer. I'm just a person who wanted to be married by someone who respected my pronouns and my relationship, and who learned how to find that person. This guide is my gift to you. If you're about to book an officiant, read this first. It could save you from a very uncomfortable wedding day.

The Radar Concept: Questions Are Your Filter, Not Your Weapon

Here's the concept behind these questions, and it's the most important thing to understand: you're not interrogating anyone. You're filtering. Think of these ten questions as a radar system. They send out a signal, and the officiant's response tells you exactly where they are — are they genuinely inclusive, or are they just performing? A good officiant will answer with warmth, specifics, and zero hesitation. A bad one will dodge, generalize, or make it about their own discomfort. Your job isn't to argue or educate. It's to listen, assess, and decide. If the radar blips red, you move on. If it blips green, you've found someone worth talking to further. This reframe takes the pressure off. You're not being rude by asking these questions; you're being smart. And the right officiant will appreciate your directness. They've probably been waiting for a couple to ask.

The Ten Questions That Reveal Everything

Here they are, in order. You can ask them by email, over the phone, or in person. I recommend email first — it gives you a written record and lets you phrase things carefully. Feel free to copy and paste.

1. "Do you ask for pronouns on your intake form, or do you assume?"

This is the first question because it tells you everything. An officiant who asks for pronouns by default has already thought about inclusivity. One who assumes — or who waits for you to bring it up — is starting from a binary script. The best officiants don't just ask; they use the pronouns correctly throughout the conversation. If they slip or seem uncomfortable, that's your red flag. This one question will filter out half the bad candidates immediately.

2. "Have you officiated same-sex or gender-diverse weddings before? Can you tell me about one?"

You're not looking for a yes/no. You're looking for a story. A good officiant will light up and tell you about a specific couple, a specific moment, a specific ceremony. If they say "oh, a few" without details, or if they've never done one and say they'd "love to try," that's a warning sign. You want someone who has already done the work, not someone who's hoping to learn on your wedding day. For a deeper dive into vetting, read our guide to choosing a gay wedding officiant.

3. "How would you handle a guest or family member who made a homophobic comment during the ceremony?"

This is the crisis question, and it's the one most officiants fail. A good officiant will have a clear answer: "I would pause, shut it down politely but firmly, and make sure the couple felt safe." A bad one will say "oh, that never happens" or "I'm sure your guests are all fine." The truth is, it can happen, and you want someone who's thought about it. If they haven't, they won't protect you. This question alone can reveal more than the previous nine combined.

4. "Can you customize the ceremony script? Can we remove all gendered language?"

If they say "sure, I'll just use your names," that's okay, but push further. Ask if they have examples of non-binary ceremonies they've written. Ask if they're comfortable with neopronouns. A truly flexible officiant will have a portfolio of inclusive scripts and be willing to write something from scratch. If they keep steering you back to a template, they're not listening. For a ready-made inclusive template, check out our non-religious ceremony script.

5. "What do you love about officiating weddings?"

This question reveals their heart. An inclusive officiant will talk about love, about the privilege of witnessing commitment, about the joy of seeing two people choose each other. A transactional one will talk about packages, timelines, and fees. You want the one who gets a little misty when they talk about the moment of pronouncement. That's the person who will treat your wedding like a sacred moment, not a gig.

6. "How do you handle the pronouncement at the end? Do you say 'man and wife' or something else?"

This is a quick practical check. If their default is "man and wife," and they seem attached to it, that's a problem. They should be comfortable saying "I now pronounce you married" or "partners for life" or whatever you prefer. If they push back on changing it, you know they're not flexible. For more on inclusive wording, read our inclusive ceremony wording guide.

7. "Can we meet in person or on video before booking?"

A good officiant will want to meet you. It's a sign of professionalism and care. If they're too busy or reluctant to meet, that's a red flag. You should have at least one conversation before you sign anything. That meeting is your chance to see how they treat you and your partner, to hear them use your pronouns, and to decide if you feel comfortable. Trust your gut. If something feels off, it is.

8. "What are your fees, and what's included?"

This is the practical question, but it matters. A good officiant will give you a clear, itemized answer — no hidden fees, no vague "contact us." If they won't tell you the price up front, or if the quote keeps changing, that's a warning sign. You want someone who is transparent about money. For a breakdown of what officiants cost in Palm Springs, read our cost guide.

9. "Can you provide references from past same-sex couples?"

If they've done the work, they'll have happy couples who are willing to vouch for them. If they hesitate or say "I don't keep references," that's a red flag. A simple email or phone call to a past couple can tell you more than any website. Don't skip this step. It's the difference between hoping and knowing.

10. "How do you handle last-minute changes or emergencies on the wedding day?"

This is the practical crisis question. A good officiant will have a plan — a backup contact, a contingency for illness, a calm approach to unexpected moments. A bad one will say "it'll be fine." Weddings are unpredictable, and you want someone who can roll with it. This question also shows you how they think on their feet, which is a good indicator of their overall professionalism.

How to Ask These Questions Without Feeling Awkward

I know these questions can feel intense, especially if you're not used to asserting yourself. So here's a simple script you can use to frame them:

You can send this as one email, or ask the questions over a call. The key is to be direct and respectful. You're not being difficult; you're being clear about what you need. And the right officiant will thank you for it. For more on having these conversations, read our vendor screening guide.

Red Flags to Watch For in Their Answers

Even with these questions, some officiants will try to smooth things over. Here are the specific red flags I learned to recognize:

• 🚩 "Love is love! We don't see labels." This sounds nice, but it's often a way to avoid engaging with your specific needs. A good officiant will acknowledge your identity, not erase it.
• 🚩 "I've never done a same-sex wedding, but I'd be happy to try." The word "try" means they haven't done the work. You don't want to be someone's learning experience on your wedding day.
• 🚩 They dodge the crisis question or say "that won't happen." This is a huge red flag. If they haven't thought about how to protect you, they won't protect you. Move on.
• 🚩 They misgender you or your partner during the conversation and don't correct themselves. This is the most basic test. If they can't get your pronouns right in a one-hour conversation, they won't on your wedding day.

For more on recognizing problematic vendors, read our red flags guide.

Your Officiant Question Checklist

• ☑ You've sent or asked the ten questions
• ☑ The officiant answered clearly and with specifics
• ☑ They used your pronouns correctly throughout
• ☑ They provided references from past same-sex couples
• ☑ They had a clear answer for the crisis question
• ☑ Their fees were transparent and itemized
• ☑ You feel genuinely comfortable and excited to work with them

If all seven are checked, you've found your officiant. If not, keep looking. There are plenty of wonderful, inclusive officiants out there — you just have to ask the right questions. For the next step in the process, read our guide to writing your ceremony script and our ceremony outline template.

Who This Guide Is NOT For

If you've already found an officiant through a trusted recommendation and you've seen them handle a same-sex wedding beautifully, you might not need to run through this entire list. But I'd still recommend asking the first three questions — pronouns, same-sex experience, and the crisis scenario. They're quick, and they'll confirm what you already suspect. Also, if you're eloping with a friend as officiant, these questions might be less relevant, though the pronoun and crisis questions still apply. But if you're hiring a professional you've never met, this guide is essential. It's the difference between a ceremony that feels sacred and one that feels like a minefield. You deserve the first one. These questions will help you find it.

The Only Question That Truly Matters

After fourteen interviews and one perfect ceremony, the only question that truly matters is the first one: "Do you ask for pronouns, or do you assume?" If they ask, they're already seeing you. If they assume, everything else is an uphill battle. The other nine questions are important, but they all flow from that first one. So start there. And listen carefully to the answer. It will tell you everything you need to know. Then go book the officiant who makes you feel seen. You deserve nothing less. And when you're standing at the altar, hearing them say "I now pronounce you married" with your correct pronouns and your correct names, you'll know it was worth every question. That's the moment. That's the whole point. Now go find the person who will give it to you.

FAQ: Questions to Ask Your Gay Wedding Officiant Before Booking

Where to Go From Here

Now that you have your questions, your next step is to see our vetted list of Palm Springs officiants or our LA officiant guide. And if you want to write your own ceremony script, start with our inclusive template. For more on finding inclusive vendors across the board, read Alex's full inclusion guide.

And if you want to see the actual responses I got from my fourteen officiant interviews — including the ones that made me cringe — I've saved them in our research archive. Read the raw conversations here.