The Four Drafts I Threw Away

When Robin and I started writing our ceremony, I thought the words would come easily. We had an officiant we loved, a desert setting we adored, and vows we'd been drafting for weeks. But every time I sat down to write the opening lines, I hit the same wall: the language kept assuming a bride and a groom. "Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to join this man and this woman..." "Who gives this woman to be married?" "I now pronounce you man and wife." I'm non-binary. Robin is a woman. Neither of us is a groom. And every one of those phrases felt like a splinter. I rewrote the ceremony four times. The first draft was full of crossed-out words and awkward pauses. The second was better but still felt like a straight template with the names changed. The third was almost right, but Robin said it sounded like a legal contract. The fourth one made us both cry. That's the one we used. This guide is what I learned from those four drafts. It's for couples who want a ceremony that doesn't just tolerate their identity, but celebrates it — using language that makes everyone in the room feel seen. Because words are the bones of your wedding. Choose the right ones, and the whole ceremony stands tall. Choose the wrong ones, and it feels like a costume. Let's find the right ones.

Why You Should Trust Me

I'm Alex Rivera. My pronouns are they/them. I eloped in the desert in spring 2026 with my partner Robin, and I wrote our entire ceremony from scratch. I spent four drafts getting the language right, and I've since helped three other couples do the same — a two-bride wedding, a two-groom wedding, and a non-binary couple who wanted zero gendered language. I'm not a linguist. I'm not a wedding officiant by training, though I did become certified to officiate for friends. I'm just a person who wanted my wedding to sound like us, not like a template with our names taped on. And I learned, through trial and error, which phrases work and which ones hurt. This guide is my attempt to spare you the four drafts. If you're writing your ceremony and the words keep feeling wrong, this is for you. You deserve a ceremony that fits like skin, not like a borrowed suit.

The Bones Concept: Language Is the Skeleton of Your Ceremony

Here's a concept I came up with during my fourth draft, and I haven't seen it written anywhere else: the language of your ceremony is its skeleton. The flowers, the music, the setting — those are the clothes. They matter, but they can be changed. The words, though, are the structure. If the language assumes a bride and a groom, then no matter how beautiful the flowers are, the ceremony will feel like it's built for someone else. But if the language is inclusive — if it says "the couple" instead of "man and wife," if it asks "who presents this couple?" instead of "who gives this woman?" — then the whole ceremony becomes a space where you and your partner can stand fully as yourselves. That's why I rewrote the ceremony four times. Not because I'm picky, but because I knew the words were the bones. And bones determine how the body moves. So before you finalize a single line, ask yourself: Does this language assume a gender? Does it make room for both of us, exactly as we are? If the answer is no, change it. The right words are out there. And they're worth finding.

The Phrase Swap: What to Avoid and What to Use Instead

Here's a quick reference of the most common gendered ceremony phrases, paired with inclusive alternatives that work for any couple. I used nearly all of these in my own ceremony.

• ❌ "Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to join this man and this woman..." → ✅ "Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to celebrate the marriage of [Name] and [Name]..."
• ❌ "Who gives this woman to be married?" → ✅ "Who presents this couple to be married?" (or skip it entirely — no one needs to be "given")
• ❌ "I now pronounce you man and wife." → ✅ "I now pronounce you married." (or "partners for life," "spouses," whatever feels right)
• ❌ "You may kiss the bride." → ✅ "You may kiss." (or "You may seal your vows with a kiss")
• ❌ "Ladies and gentlemen, may I present the new Mr. and Mrs. Smith..." → ✅ "Friends and family, may I present the newly married couple, [Name] and [Name]..."
• ❌ "The bride's family and the groom's family..." → ✅ "The families of [Name] and [Name]..."
• ❌ "Her mother and his father..." → ✅ "Their parents..." or "Their families..."

These swaps are simple, but they completely change the feel of the ceremony. And the best part is, they don't require you to invent a new language — just to choose words that don't assume. For more on general terminology, check out our full terminology guide. And if you need a complete ceremony script, our non-religious script template is already built with these swaps in mind.

A Full Ceremony Opening, Rewritten Inclusively

Here's the opening of my own ceremony, so you can see how the swaps come together in context. Feel free to borrow it.

That's the opening. Notice what's missing: no bride, no groom, no "man and wife." Just two names, two people, and a room full of love. You can adapt this for any couple by changing the names and pronouns. If you want more examples for different types of ceremonies, read our full script guide.

Pronoun Tips for Writing and Delivering the Ceremony

If you or your partner use they/them pronouns, or if your ceremony is for a couple with non-binary partners, here are some tips to make the language flow smoothly:

• Practice out loud. Reading "they are married" instead of "he and she are married" might feel unfamiliar at first. Practice until it sounds natural. Your officiant should do the same.
• Use names more often. If you're unsure about a pronoun, using the person's name is always safe. "Alex and Robin have written their own vows" works perfectly.
• Avoid the phrase "you two" if one partner uses they/them. It's not wrong, but it can feel slightly dismissive if the person has specifically asked for they/them. Use their names or "the couple" instead.
• If you slip, correct and move on. Nobody expects perfection. A simple "sorry, I meant they" and a smile is all that's needed. The important thing is to keep going and not make a big deal out of it.

For a deeper dive into pronoun usage, check out our terminology guide. It covers everything from neopronouns to family structure terms.

3 Mistakes to Avoid When Writing Inclusive Ceremony Wording

• 🚩 Using "bride and groom" as a default and hoping no one notices. They will notice, especially the couple. It's the first thing they'll hear, and it sets the tone for the whole ceremony. Take the time to change it.
• 🚩 Forgetting to update the printed programs and the officiant's script at the same time. I once saw a ceremony where the officiant used perfect inclusive language, but the program still said "Bride's Processional." It was a small inconsistency, but it stung. Make sure every piece matches.
• 🚩 Assuming "partner" is a safe catch-all for everyone. Some couples prefer "spouse," "wife," "husband," or just their names. Ask the couple what terms they'd like used, and don't assume. It's their ceremony, not yours.

Your Inclusive Wording Pre-Ceremony Checklist

• ☑ Every gendered term has been replaced with an inclusive alternative
• ☑ The couple's preferred pronouns are used correctly throughout
• ☑ The officiant has practiced the full script out loud, including names and pronouns
• ☑ The printed program and any signage match the spoken wording
• ☑ The couple has reviewed and approved every line
• ☑ There is no "bride" or "groom" anywhere unless the couple specifically requested it
• ☑ You've read the whole ceremony from start to finish and felt good about it

If all seven are checked, your wording is ready. If not, go back and fix it. The ceremony is the heart of the wedding day. The words should fit like a second skin. For more on writing the complete ceremony, read our non-religious script guide.

Who This Guide Is NOT For

If you and your partner both use binary pronouns and you love the traditional "bride and groom" language, this guide isn't necessary. There's nothing wrong with a traditional ceremony if it's what you truly want. But if you're non-binary, genderqueer, or simply want a ceremony that doesn't assume anyone's gender, this is for you. And even if you're not part of the LGBTQ+ community, you might find these swaps helpful for any couple who wants a more modern, inclusive ceremony. The goal is language that fits, not language that forces. Use what works for you.

The Only Wording Rule That Matters

After four drafts and one perfect ceremony, the only rule that holds up is: if the words make you and your partner feel fully seen, they're the right words. It doesn't matter if they're traditional or modern, simple or poetic. What matters is that when you hear them, you think, "Yes. That's us." So take the time to get the language right. It's the bones of your ceremony. And bones are what hold everything else up. Choose them with care, and your wedding will stand tall for the rest of your lives.

FAQ: Gender Inclusive Wedding Ceremony Wording

Where to Go From Here

Now that you have inclusive wording, your next step is to build the full ceremony script or make sure your invitations match the language. I've also written a guide to finding inclusive vendors that will help you build a team that respects your words.

And if you want to see the four drafts of my ceremony — including the one where I accidentally wrote "groom" out of habit and then cried — I've saved them in our research archive. Read the raw drafts here.