Okay So Here's Where I Messed Up

I'm June. My wedding to Maya is in spring 2027, and last month I sat down to write my vows. I lit a candle, made tea, opened a blank document, and then stared at it for an hour. I typed "Maya, I love you," deleted it. Typed "You're my best friend," deleted that too. Then I closed the laptop and reorganized the spice rack. The spice rack. That's when I knew I was in trouble. The problem wasn't that I had nothing to say. It was that I had too much, and none of it sounded like me. Every vow template I found online started with "I promise to be your partner in life" and ended with "for all the days of our lives." Beautiful, but not us. Maya doesn't want a formal declaration. She wants me to promise to kill the spiders and learn to cook her mom's soup. So I stopped looking for templates and started thinking about what a vow actually is. And then it clicked: a vow is not a speech. It's the concentrated version of your relationship — small, potent, and unmistakably yours. This guide is what I learned after the spice rack incident. It's for any couple, but especially for gay couples who are tired of crossing out "bride and groom" in the margins. Your vows should sound like you. Here's how to make them do that.

Why You Should Trust Me

I'm planning my own queer Korean-American wedding in Los Angeles on a $12,000 budget, and the vows are the one thing I refuse to outsource. Not because I'm a great writer — I'm not. Because I know that when Maya and I stand up in front of our people, the words we say to each other will be the part everyone actually remembers. Not the flowers. Not the cake. The vows. So I've spent the last six months reading every vow template I could find, deleting most of them, and slowly figuring out what makes vows feel real. I've also asked our officiant, our photographer, and three married couples what they wish they'd known when writing theirs. Their answers surprised me. None of them said "make it longer." All of them said "make it yours." This guide is what I've learned. I'm still working on my own vows — I've got a draft, and I'm not happy with it yet, but I'm getting there. And if you're also stuck, I hope this helps you get unstuck. My wrist eczema flared up while I was writing this, because apparently even writing about vows stresses me out. But it's worth it. The vows are the heart of the whole thing.

The Espresso Concept: Vows Are a Concentrated Shot of Your Relationship

Here's a concept I came up with after the spice rack incident, and it's the one thing that actually made the words start flowing: your vows are not a long speech. They're an espresso shot of your relationship. Think about it. An espresso is small, intense, and made from the best beans you've got. You don't water it down. You don't add filler. You serve it strong and let it hit. Your vows should be the same. Instead of trying to cover everything, pick the two or three things that are most true about your love — the inside jokes, the specific promises, the moments that define you — and distill them into a few sentences. Maya and I have a running joke about who's the "plant killer" in our apartment. My draft includes a promise to "always blame the plants, never each other." It's small. It's specific. It's us. That's the espresso approach. Don't write a novel. Write a shot. Your guests will remember it far longer than any generic declaration of eternal love. Because it will sound like you, not like a greeting card.

Step-by-Step: How to Write Vows That Sound Like You

Here's the exact process I'm using for my own vows, broken into manageable steps. You don't need to be a poet. You just need to be honest.

Step 1: List Your "Us" Moments

Grab a notebook or open a new document. Write down at least ten things that are uniquely yours as a couple. They can be funny, sweet, weird, or all three. Examples from my list:

• Maya always steals my hoodies and never gives them back
• We once ate tacos and kimchi in the same meal and called it "fusion night"
• She kills the spiders because I'm terrified of them
• We got lost in Joshua Tree and had to use a park ranger's map
• She leaves the last bite of her sandwich for me, even when I say I'm not hungry

Don't overthink this. Just write whatever comes to mind. The weirdest ones are usually the best. These moments are the raw material for your vows.

Step 2: Find the Promises Hiding in the Moments

Look at your list and ask yourself: what promise is hiding inside each moment? For example, "Maya kills the spiders" contains an unspoken promise: "I will protect you from the things that scare you." "She leaves the last bite" contains "I will always put you first, even in small ways." These are the promises that feel real because they come from your actual life, not a template. Pick two or three that feel the most true. These will become the heart of your vows.

Step 3: Start with Something Specific, Not General

Don't open with "Maya, I love you." It's true, but it's generic. Start with a specific moment. For example: "Maya, the first time I saw you, you were wearing my hoodie and laughing at something I can't remember. I remember the hoodie, though. It never really fit me again." That's a beginning. It pulls people in because it's a story, not a statement. Start with a memory, and the rest will follow.

Step 4: Make Two or Three Specific Promises

These are the "I promise" statements. But make them specific to your relationship. Not "I promise to love you forever" — that's implied. Instead, promise the small things: "I promise to always kill the spiders." "I promise to learn your mom's soup recipe, even if I burn it three times." "I promise to never pretend to like hiking, because we both know I don't." These are the vows people remember, because they sound like you. They carry the weight of your shared history.

Step 5: End with a Line That Sounds Like Home

Your last line should feel like a signature, not a farewell. It should be something you'd actually say to your partner on an ordinary Tuesday. My draft ends with: "I love you. I choose you. And I'd rather do nothing with you than everything with anyone else." It's simple, it's true, and it sounds like me. Find your version of that. It doesn't have to be poetic. It just has to be yours. For more examples and templates, read vows for two brides or vows for two grooms.

How to Personalize Without Sounding Generic

The difference between a good vow and a generic one is specificity. Here's how to make yours feel like yours:

• Use an inside joke. The promise to "never pretend to like hiking" in my draft is an inside joke — Maya knows exactly what I mean, and our friends will laugh. That's the good stuff. If you have a running joke, put it in. It doesn't have to make sense to anyone else.
• Promise something small, not grand. "I promise to kill the spiders" is more intimate than "I promise to always be by your side." Small promises feel real. Grand promises feel like a Hallmark card. Go small.
• Include a specific memory. "The way you leave the last bite of your sandwich for me" is a real thing Maya does. If you have a memory like that, use it. Specificity is what makes people cry.
• Don't force poetry. If you don't naturally use metaphors, don't. The most beautiful vows are often the plainest. "I love you, I choose you, and I'd rather do nothing with you than everything with anyone else" is a simple sentence. It's also exactly how I feel.

Mistakes to Avoid When Writing Your Vows

• 🚩 Writing them the night before. Don't. Your brain will be fried, your emotions will be all over the place, and you'll end up with something you don't recognize. Start at least a month out. Give yourself time to revise.
• 🚩 Trying to match each other's length. If Maya's vows are two minutes and mine are ninety seconds, that's fine. Don't pad yours to make them even. Say what you need to say, then stop.
• 🚩 Forgetting to practice out loud. Vows are meant to be spoken, not read. Practice in the shower, in the car, in front of the dog. You'll catch the awkward phrases and the places where you trip. Better to stumble in rehearsal than on the day.

Your Vow Writing Checklist

• ☑ You've listed at least ten "us" moments
• ☑ You've identified two or three specific promises from those moments
• ☑ Your opening line is a specific memory, not a generic statement
• ☑ Your promises are small and personal, not grand and abstract
• ☑ Your ending line sounds like something you'd actually say
• ☑ You've read the whole thing out loud at least once
• ☑ You feel genuinely excited to say these words to your partner

If all seven are checked, your vows are ready. If not, go back and adjust. The best vows are the ones that sound like you on an ordinary Tuesday. For more on the ceremony itself, read our non-religious ceremony script and our ceremony outline template.

Who This Guide Is NOT For

If you and your partner are both professional poets who write beautifully and just want to sit down together and pour your hearts out, skip this guide. You don't need it. Also, if you're having a very traditional ceremony with set vows, you might not be writing your own — and that's okay. But if you're a gay couple planning a personal ceremony, and you want your vows to feel true, this is for you. The espresso approach works for anyone. Just remember: your vows are for your partner, not for the audience. Write what matters to the two of you, and the rest will take care of itself.

The Only Vow Rule That Matters

After six months of thinking about this, the only rule that holds up is: if your vows sound like you, you did it right. Not like a template. Not like a poet. Not like the version of yourself you think you're supposed to be. Like you, on an ordinary Tuesday, saying the truest thing you know. That's the whole thing. That's the vow. So go write it. And if you get stuck, alphabetize your spice rack, then come back. It worked for me. Eventually.

FAQ: How to Write Your Own Wedding Vows for Gay Couples

Where to Go From Here

Now that you have your vows drafted, your next step is to fit them into your full ceremony script or plan the ceremony structure. I've also written a guide to finding inclusive vendors that will help you build a team that respects your words.

And if you want to see my actual vow drafts — including the one where I wrote "I promise to love you even when you leave your wet towel on the bed" and then deleted it because my mom might hear — I've saved them in our research archive. Read the raw drafts here.