The Day I Decided to Become an Officiant

I didn't set out to become a wedding officiant. I set out to get married, and I couldn't find anyone who would do it right. My name is Alex, my pronouns are they/them, and when Robin and I started looking for an officiant, every phone call felt like the same exhausting conversation. "Is this the bride?" "Which one of you is the groom?" "So what should I call you two?" I made fourteen calls before I found someone who asked for my pronouns without being prompted. And in the middle of that search, I had a thought that changed everything: What if I became the officiant I couldn't find? So I did. I got ordained online, I studied the ceremony structure, I practiced using inclusive language until it felt natural, and I officiated my first wedding six months later. It was for two non-binary friends who had been searching for someone for weeks. When I said "I now pronounce you married," without a single gendered word, one of them whispered "finally" under their breath. That's when I knew this was something I needed to keep doing. This guide is for anyone who's had that same thought — whether you want to officiate for a friend, for the community, or because you, too, couldn't find someone who would get it right. Becoming an officiant is easier than you think. Being a good one takes a little more work. But it's worth it. Every single time.

Why You Should Trust Me

I'm Alex Rivera. My pronouns are they/them. I eloped in the desert in spring 2026 with my partner Robin, and six months before that, I became a certified wedding officiant. I did it because I wanted to be the person I couldn't find — someone who would use the right pronouns, avoid gendered language, and treat every couple like their love was the most important thing in the room. Since then, I've officiated nine weddings, all of them for LGBTQ+ couples, including non-binary couples, two-bride weddings, and two-groom ceremonies. I've also helped four friends get ordained and prepare for their first ceremonies. I'm not a lawyer. I'm not a religious officiant. I'm just a person who wanted to fix a problem, and who learned the steps along the way. This guide is everything I wish someone had given me when I first started.

The Mirror Concept: What an Officiant Actually Does

Here's a concept I came up with after my first few ceremonies, and I haven't seen it articulated anywhere else: a good officiant is not a performer. They're a mirror. Your job is not to be the center of attention, or to deliver a dramatic speech, or to impose a template on the couple. Your job is to reflect the couple back to themselves — accurately, warmly, and without distortion. That means using their pronouns correctly. It means pronouncing their names right. It means telling their story in a way that feels true to them, not like a generic script with the names swapped in. When I officiate a wedding, I'm not the star. The couple is. I'm just the surface that lets them see how beautiful they already are. If you can hold that idea in your mind, everything else falls into place. The legal stuff is easy. The mirror stuff is the real work. And it's the work that matters.

Step-by-Step: How to Become an Officiant

Step 1: Get Ordained Online (It Takes 5 Minutes)

In California, anyone can become a wedding officiant by getting ordained online. The most common organizations are the Universal Life Church, American Marriage Ministries, and Open Ministry. The process is simple: you fill out a form with your name and email, and within minutes you receive a certificate of ordination. It's free or low-cost (usually $20-$40 for a printed certificate, which you'll want). That's it. You're legally authorized to perform marriages in California. No seminary. No church hierarchy. Just a form and a fee. I got ordained through American Marriage Ministries, and the whole thing took less time than ordering a pizza.

Step 2: Check Your County's Requirements

Here's the part most people skip, and it can cause problems. Different counties in California have slightly different rules. Some require you to register with the county clerk's office before performing a marriage. Others don't. Some require proof of ordination. Others just need your signature on the license. Before you officiate your first wedding, call or check the website of the county where the marriage license was issued. Ask: "Do I need to register as an officiant in this county? What documents do I need to bring on the day of the ceremony?" It's a five-minute call that can save you a much bigger headache later.

Step 3: Complete the Marriage License Properly

The license is the legal document that makes the marriage official. You'll need to fill it out carefully, sign it, and return it to the county within the required timeframe. The most common mistakes are: wrong date, wrong location, missed signatures, and incorrect names. I've made one of these mistakes myself — I wrote the wrong date on my first license and had to request a correction. Learn from my error. Fill out the license slowly, double-check every field, and have the couple verify their names and spellings before you sign. For a detailed breakdown of the license process, read Dana's guide to California marriage licenses for same-sex couples.

Step 4: Write a Ceremony That Fits the Couple

This is where the mirror work really begins. A good ceremony is not a template. It's a reflection of the couple's relationship. I always start by asking them a series of questions: How did you meet? What do you love most about each other? What does marriage mean to you? What pronouns do you use, and how do you want to be introduced? Are there any traditions you want to include, or avoid? Their answers become the skeleton of the ceremony. Then I write a script that sounds like them, not like me. For a full starting template, check out our non-religious ceremony script guide. And for pronoun-specific language, read our terminology guide.

Step 5: Rehearse, Rehearse, Rehearse

I rehearse every ceremony at least three times before the wedding day. Once alone, reading it out loud. Once with the couple, so they can hear how their names and pronouns sound. And once at the venue, if possible, so I can check the acoustics and the sightlines. The rehearsal is not a luxury — it's where the mistakes come out. I once mispronounced a bride's name in rehearsal and she corrected me, and I was so grateful she didn't have to do it on her wedding day. Practice out loud. Every time. Even if you feel silly. Especially if you feel silly.

Step 6: Show Up and Be Present

On the wedding day, your job is simple: be fully present. Don't check your phone. Don't worry about your notes. Just stand with the couple, look them in the eye, and guide them through the ceremony. If you've rehearsed, the words will come. If you've done the mirror work, the moment will feel true. And if something goes wrong — a ring drops, a breeze blows the script away, someone starts crying — just pause, breathe, and keep going. The couple will remember how you made them feel, not whether the ceremony was flawless.

3 Mistakes New Officiants Make (I Made All of Them)

• 🚩 Forgetting to register with the county. I almost did this. In some counties, it doesn't matter, but in others, your ceremony could be invalid if you're not registered. Always check.
• 🚩 Using gendered language out of habit. "You may now kiss the bride." "I now pronounce you man and wife." These phrases are baked into our brains. Train yourself to use neutral alternatives. I practice saying "I now pronounce you married" until it replaced the old version in my head.
• 🚩 Making the ceremony about yourself. It's not about you. It's about the couple. Keep your remarks focused on them, their story, and their love. If you find yourself giving a speech about your own wedding, stop. The mirror doesn't talk about itself.

The Inclusive Language Cheat Sheet for Officiants

Here's a quick reference for the phrases that trip up new officiants, and the inclusive alternatives you should use instead:

• ❌ "Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to join this man and this woman..." → ✅ "Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to celebrate the marriage of [Name] and [Name]..."
• ❌ "Who gives this woman to be married?" → ✅ "Who presents this couple to be married?" (or skip this entirely)
• ❌ "I now pronounce you man and wife." → ✅ "I now pronounce you married."
• ❌ "You may kiss the bride." → ✅ "You may kiss." (or "You may seal your vows with a kiss")
• ❌ "Ladies and gentlemen..." → ✅ "Friends and family..." or "Beloved guests..."
• ❌ "The bride and groom..." → ✅ "The couple..." or just their names

Practice these until they feel natural. The goal is to make inclusive language your default, not something you have to think about. That's how you become the officiant that non-binary and gender-diverse couples are looking for. For a deeper dive into terminology, read our full terminology guide.

Who Should NOT Become an Officiant

If you're doing this just because it seems like a fun party trick, or because you want to be the center of attention, this isn't for you. Officiating a wedding is a real responsibility. The couple is trusting you with one of the most important moments of their lives, and you need to take that seriously. Also, if you're not comfortable with public speaking, or if you freeze under pressure, you might want to think carefully before accepting an officiant role for a large wedding. But if you genuinely care about the couple, if you're willing to practice, and if you want to create a ceremony that reflects their love, then this is one of the most rewarding things you can do. I've never once regretted it.

The Only Officiant Rule That Matters

After nine ceremonies and counting, the only rule that holds up is: your job is to make the couple feel seen. Not to be perfect. Not to be eloquent. Not to be the best speaker in the room. Just to make two people feel, for a few minutes, that someone truly gets them. If you can do that, you're a good officiant. If you can do it while using their pronouns correctly, you're a great one. And if you can do it for couples who have spent their whole lives being misgendered, misunderstood, and told they don't belong, then you're not just an officiant. You're a mirror. And the reflection you give them might be the first accurate one they've ever seen. That's why I do this. And I hope you will too.

FAQ: How to Become a Gay Wedding Officiant

Where to Go From Here

Now that you know how to become an officiant, your next step is to write your first ceremony script or study the terminology that will make you a better officiant. I've also written a guide to finding inclusive vendors that will help you understand what couples are looking for in every category.

And if you want to see the actual script I used for my first ceremony — including my handwritten notes and the parts I stumbled over — I've saved it in our research archive. Read the raw script here.